Excerpt from:
Audrina Patridge and Corey Bohan Break Up – The Hollywood Gossip

According to Zap2It, the show has been simply titled Audrina and will follow the aspiring model in her attempts to further her career, as well as depicted her interactions with family members. Mom, dad and three younger siblings will all be involved, as well as a few Orange County friends. No word yet on how many episodes or when it might start shooting, but we’ll hit you with those details when they come.

I’m not saying I won’t watch this mess, but in the grand scheme of LC associates, Audrina is pretty low in my list in terms of desired reality shows. Where’s Lo? Better yet, where’s Dieter?

During the waning hours of summer in Kristin’s Malibu beach rental, they kissed on the deck repeatedly. Justin even threw his version of a letterman jacket — his leather biker jacket — over Kristin’s shoulders as the sun set.

“I can’t — for some reason — let this go,” Justin admitted. “What’s funny is that my last conversation with Audrina, she told me I was gonna end up a lonely old man if I don’t go after basically what I believe in, and I believe in this. I wanna have fun with you. I wanna do things with you. I wanna laugh with you.”

I was actually almost kind of moved. Had the two who were the most jaded about love reluctantly fallen into it?

Of course not. Things are never as they seem on “The Hills.”

Only moments after the end credits rolled, MTV aired a live after-show special from New York City. The program’s hosts declared that Justin Bobby and Kristin would appear for the first time ever as an official couple.

First Kristin emerged, looking tan and fit with her blond hair slicked back into a ponytail. Then came Justin, sporting a James Dean-esque look complete with a black pea coat, cowl-neck sweater and permanent pout. Despite the network’s proclamation about pair’s newfound relationship, Justin and Kristin didn’t look anything like a couple on stage. Instead, they seemed nervous and awkward — like they were caught in an uncomfortable lie. I’m not sure the two made eye contact the entire time they were being interviewed, and they certainly didn’t touch one another or give any physical or verbal signs of affection.

Backstage from the aftershow, a MTV publicist said she’d squeeze in a few minutes for me to chat via telephone with the lovebirds. First up was Justin Bobby, and I wanted to try to find out if his relationship with Kristin was even remotely legitimate:

Are you and Kristin in a romantic relationship?

Not necessarily. When we met, it was just kind of nice, and personally for me to be on the show and conversate with somebody I haven’t yet on the show. We work and do our scenes and see each other and that’s that.

One week this season, you told Audrina you’d never find someone like her. The next, you told Audrina that Kristin sparked something in you you’d never felt with her. Which was it?

That was a cut-and-copy. There was a lot more to that sentence. I was basically like, “Audrina, it’s not like I’m never gonna find anyone like you again.” They felt like maybe it was a good place to cut that scene.

Set the record straight. Were you and Audrina ever together?

Realistically, no. I’ve only had two loves of my life and then there’s been a whole dating montage.

In earlier seasons, you seemed to have an aversion to the whole reality-TV thing — this season, you were at the center of most of the episodes. How did that happen?

It wasn’t planned out at all. I got to know Kristin and we clicked in that way and it ended up working out on the show. It’s who you surround yourself with, and when you surround yourself with people who are energetic and all talk about work and business, it got me a little bit more comfortable. A lot of the scenes with Audrina were drawn out, and Kristin was new blood.

Do you watch the episodes?

You know what, not really. I’ll hear about it and if I hear about it, I don’t want to be near it.

You’re such a mysterious dude. Who are you? Are you still a hairdresser?

Not particularly anymore. I did hair for, like, 12 years. I kind of ran my course with it and I’m in the midst of opening up a little salon with a good friend of mine in Orange County.

How did you start doing hair?

I was doing Victoria’s Secret shows and working with some musicians.

So your day job now is working on “The Hills” and opening the new salon?

Not completely. I do a lot of band stuff. I’m working with a band I’ve been with for seven or eight years. It’s called EdstanleY.

After about five minutes, he said he had to cut things short because he had to go on stage. I didn’t get the chance to grill him more about his impromptu Vegas trip and what exactly has transpired with Audrina over the past four years.

But Kristin was up next, and I was confident she’d be candid. Before the season began, we sat down for an interview during which she described just how fake “The Hills” really is:

“It’s just so … fake. There’s no truth to it. At all,” she said in September, adding that she will “pretty much do anything” the producers tell her to do. “They tell us what to talk about.”

Surprisingly, Kristin has changed her tune since. In the approximately two minutes I got to chat with her before the phone was yanked away by a publicist, she got defensive about the show’s supposed reality. And, she said, she didn’t necessarily get down with either Brody or Justin this season.

How do you feel about how you were portrayed this year?

Overall, I’m very happy with the season. The first couple of episodes I felt like they were only showing one side of me, but throughout the episodes you got to see a few sides of my personality.

So were things romantic between you and Justin?

With music and editing they can make it seem that way, but it wasn’t romantic with Justin and I at all because I didn’t trust him.

But you guys were kissing — you were intimate.

Just because we kissed doesn’t mean we were intimate.

Were things ever intimate with Brody — like that morning when he woke up at your place?

I don’t know what scene you’re talking about.

Brody and Jayde were on a break, and you had been hanging out with him. You and Jayde got into a fight at a nightclub and Brody left with you. The next morning it seemed like he had slept at your place.

He didn’t wake up there. He came over. But I don’t know what scene you’re talking about.

You’ve said you often will do what the producers ask of you. Is that how you and Justin Bobby started hanging out?

Umm… I, um… First of all, I never said they made me hang out with Justin. And second of all, when you’re surrounded with a group of people, you’re bound to develop relationships. What you see on the show and what’s going on are two different things. You’re not going to see everything.

So in tonight’s episode, you decided to give it a go with Justin Bobby. What’s up with you guys now?

In the episode we decided we’re gonna give it a try, and we’re hanging out and talking. You’re going to have to wait and see what happens on the next season.

That we will.

So — will you all be tuning in for a sixth season of “The Hills”? With the ratings falling, will Lo and Audrina’s rumored departure be the final nail in the coffin for the MTV series? And do you buy the Kristin and Justin Bobby relationship — or is the jig up? Discuss in the comments, and check back next season for more on the stars of the reality show we hate to love.

– Amy Kaufman (follow me on Twitter @AmyKinLA)

Photo: (Top) Justin Bobby and Kristin pose together — awkwardly? — at the live aftershow following the fifth season finale of “The Hills.” (Bottom) The former hairdresser shows off his own locks. Credit: MTV.

And back then, he counted among his clients the gentlemen of Maroon 5, who were, needless to say, rather amazed by his hairstyling abilities. Like, really amazed, as they told us earlier this month in New York. With the series finale of “The Hills” upon us, we decided to share their revelations with you now.

“His name is Justin Brescia … somehow he became Justin Bobby,” M5 frontman Adam Levine said. “I don’t know quite how to say this — I’ve got to say this delicately — but the man is the most incredible hairstylist ever. He really is. Justin, you’re a genius,” he laughed. “He cut all our hair for a long time, and then one day, mid-cut, he was like, ‘So I think I’m going to do this show,’ and it was called ‘The Hills.’ And now he’s quit cutting hair and he’s on the show and he’s a big star, I guess.”

But aside from having Brescia cut their hair, the guys in Maroon 5 remain rather blissfully unattached to the entire “Hills” phenomenon (“That’s about as close as I get to that whole … uh, thing,” Levine smiled). So they weren’t exactly aware that the show was coming to an end. But they were excited by the news, mostly because it meant they might be getting their old stylist back.

“The guy was like Edward Scissorhands … he even has scissors tattooed on his arm,” Levine said. “He was really passionate about cutting hair, he was like a sculptor. I know it sounds crazy, but the dude is a monster.”

Well, what are the odds of getting Brescia back? Levine thought about it for a second, smiled, and then provided an answer straight out of the Justin Bobby book of philosophy.

“I don’t know,” he laughed. “Only truth and time will tell, bro.”

So much has changed between The Hills finale and what began as a Laguna Beach spinoff 102 episodes ago. But it was great to see LC back, since she started it all.

On hand were the likes of Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, Audrina Patridge, along with bit players Justin-Bobby, Lo, Stephanie, that Stacie girl and many more.

“You’re so selfish.  You’re self-centered.  All you care about is yourself.”  ~ A. Patridge © 2009

Here’s what went down on the (gulp) final crapisode (sniff) of The (punch to nuts) Hills (shaking fist to the sky):

• The girls are all hanging out and talking about how they’re all going through a mid-20’s-life-crisis.  No one knows what they want to do and what’s next for them.  Well, Lo does.  Lo says she wants little babies.  Does she mean right now?  Like does she want little babies like a kidnapper would or does she want to make little babies?  If she wants to make them she’s sitting the wrong way and someone should tell Steph to get her penis ready then.  Kristin feels like she needs a change.  Maybe she should try the Activia Challenge, but try to hold it in for as long as she can.  Oh, did she mean a bigger change than that?  Oh.  Well, I’m out of ideas then.
• Brody, Sleezy T, and Frankie all go golfing.  Is it wrong that I secretly hope that OJ comes by in a golf cart and stabs them all?  I’m kidding.  It’s not a secret.  It’s ironic that they’re chit-chattin’ like pre-pubescent girls whilst hitting golf balls because I truly feel that The Hills has been taking a club to my balls for the past four years.  Circle of life, people, circle of life.
• Later that night Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are at Kristin’s house sipping white-trash-white-wine and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin.  I was hoping this would be the time when Kristin came clean on her drug problem that everyone stopped talking about after the second episode but, alas, it wasn’t.  Instead Kristin tells Stacie that she needs to move on and go somewhere that she’s never been before and that makes her totally anxious and scared.  My guess?  A library.  But no, Kristin instead decides to go right off the script and say, “Europe.”  Are they setting us up for “Kristin Cavallari’s European Vacation?”
• Stephanie Pratt heads out to Corona, CA (fitting) to see her “friend” Pauly Shore race his dirt bike for 1 lap around the track and then they decided to talk about their relationship.  This is the part where I get all secondhand-embarrassment.  Steph is telling Pauly Shore that he’s the manliest guy she ever dated, but that he’s also like a Care Bear.  I would have gone with Garbage Pail Kid, but that’s just me.  After that awkward exchange and Pauly puts on a dress, they both decide to be exclusive and become “boyfriend and girlfriend.”  Gross.  I wonder if  he’s going to pin her sweater at the Sock Hop this Friday night?  Kill yourself, everyone.   I like how MTV is trying their best to wrap up everyone’s storyline in their 2 minute scene.
• Meanwhile, Kristin stops by the roof of Brody’s condo (hopefully to jump) because he’s up there swimming.   Please note that Kristin’s dress is about 2 centimeters away from good old Cooche-land and with the strong winds I’m sure we’ll all get a quick glimpse of where exactly she hides her script.
• Kristin invites Brody to her “going nowhere” party and Brody wants no part of it.  He doesn’t think she should be moving away just because he is dating a little boy named Avril Lavigne.  They kind of have a mini sass-off and Kristin walks away hoping that Brody will show up to her party.  You know who I’d love to show up to the party?  A drunken Holly Ethel Mertz Montag.  We should have never strayed away from that storyline.
• Audrina bought another F’n house?  Seriously, who knew beaver teeth and a rack could get you so much money?!  I’m going to go beaver hunting (giggity).  Anyteef, Audrina is moving to Hermosa Beach, CA and is showing Steph her new (maxi) pad.  You can totally tell Audrina is over this show and is ready to start her own filming on her own show that we’ve been hearing about, but have never seen, for the past 2 years.  She won’t even be showing up to Kristin’s “going nowhere” party because she’s over the club scene.  Audrina ends her scene by asking, “It’s like, what’s going to happen to all of us, you know?”  Well, I’m glad you asked, Oddy.  Here’s the 411:
  • Stephanie Pratt:  Another DUI, unwed mother of two, new face.
  • Audrina Patridge:  Smaller teeth, bigger boobs.
  • Lo Bosworth: First person on the moon.  Er…
  • Kristin Cavallari: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, many straight-to-DVD movies, possible co-owner of an Orange Julius.
  • Brody Jenner:  Bruce Jenner face transplant recipient.
  • Justin Bobby:  JustinBobby.com
  • Stacie the Pointless Bartender:  Stacie the Pointless Hostess
  • Frankie Delgado:  President of the United States of America
• It’s time for Kristin’s “going nowhere” party at the Roosevelt Hotel and Frankie is a dancing machine.  Good for him.  They should make him a full time character for next season.  Oh.  Moving on.  Everyone is hugging and acting like they’re all going to death row after this when that’s certainly not the case.  I mean, Steph probably is, but not the rest of them.
• Just when drunken Kristin didn’t think that Brody would show up, he did. This is when it gets really awkward.  Kristin tries to explain why she’s leaving to go to the set of Europe and Brody tells her that he’s going to miss her and that she shouldn’t go.  This is when we get to see tears from Kristin.  I didn’t see any pins sticking in her legs so I wonder if it’s real.  We even get one single tear from Brody.  I wonder if his 2004 trucker hat is pinching his head or if he’s really sad that Kristin is pretending to leave?  Isn’t this kind of how Friends ended?  You know, if the Friends were a bunch of entitled douche-mongers?  I mean, they kind of were but still.
• The “next day” Lo and her boyfriend decide to go against her rule of waiting to be engaged until they move in together and they’re just going to live in sin and call it a day.  You’re going to go to hell for that one, Lo.  Best wishes to you and your boyfriend.  I swear to God if I see any form of a spin-off with you two I will call the police and have you arrested for harassment.
• It’s “moving day” for Kristin and she’s all packed up with her one suitcase.  As she leaves the front door she looks back at the house that she’s had so many memories in.  A lifetime of memories, some would say.  Oh wait, she just rented that house 3 months ago? She’s probably quickly doing a last minute sweep for used condoms.
• As she and Stacie the Pointless Bartender…oh you know what, I’ve given Stacie enough crap.  She’s no longer “Stacie the Pointless Bartender.”  How about she’s just “Stacie?”  Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.  Um…er…ugh….uh….wait a second.  How about “Stacie the Pointless Human.”  Ahhhh there we go.  Phew!  That was a close one.  Ok, back to the scene.  Stacie the Pointless Human is outside with Kristin tossing her prop suitcase into the back of a car when all of a sudden Brody shows up.  This would be like when Ross went to the airport to stop Rachel from moving to Paris.  Brody tells Kristin that if he ever knew she would move away because he was seeing someone else he would have never done it.  Rachel decides she needs to move to Paris anyway Kristin decides she needs to take her one suitcase to Europe anyway.  And they hug goodbye (forever) all while Natasha Beddingfield sings, “Unwritten” in the background.  I sh*t you not.
• We then have a video montage of all the cast through the years…like this is their eulogy.
• And then….Shut. Your. Dumb. Whorey.  Mouth.  Wow.  I have to admit this was probably the best ending I, personally, could ever have wished for.  Brody is standing there watching Kristin drive away and then the background drops, someone yells cut, the car stops Kristin gets out, they hug, and we see that they’re not on Kristin’s street but on a mother f-ing set.  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m at a loss for words because this is EXACTLY how I would have ended it and you know that.  Brilliant.  It was like a big middle finger from the folks at MTV and, I have to say, I think it was to me personally.  Ok it wasn’t but you know what I mean.  The only thing that would have made it better, the only thing, would be if they then took the batteries out of Heidi and placed her into a box and stored her on the “Prop Shop” shelf.

Seriously, great ending.  I’m not sure how people felt about this but I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Finally, finally, The Hills got it right.

As a wise man once said, “Go go lucky” and you know what?  He’s right.  Go, go lucky.

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